Release year: 2017

Publisher: Harper Paperbacks

What is the book about as a whole?

The book is written from the perspective of Perel, a psychotherapist who through her career has advised many couples on sex and relationships. It sheds a light on the dissatisfaction of couples in long-term monogamous relationships and gives insight as to the dynamics and patterns taking place. She gives advice and recommends mindsets that will allow couples to rebuild their dynamics so as to rekindle the flame that once was.

What is being said in detail, and how?

Some examples:

(p. 15) Eroticism requires separateness. It thrives in the space between the self and the other.
(p. 27) There is no such thing as “safe sex.”
(p. 36) The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.
(p. 44) Modern life has deprived us of our traditional resources, and has created a situation in which we turn to one person for the protection and emotional connections that a multitude of social networks used to provide. Adult intimacy has become overburdened with expectations.
(p. 149) The very dynamics of power and control that can be challenging in an emotional relationship can, when eroticized, become highly desirable.
(p. 289) What eroticism thrives on, family life defends against.
(p. 356) Some women want to be approached in a way that says, “I want you,” instead of “Do you want me?”
(p. 450) Sexual rejection at the hands of the one we love is particularly hurtful. We are therefore less inclined to be erotically adventurous with the person we depend on for so much and whose opinion is paramount. We’d rather edit ourselves, maintaining a tightly negotiated, acceptable, even boring erotic script, than risk injury.
(p. 450) Stephen Mitchell: “It is not that romance necessarily fades over time, but it does become riskier.”
(p. 464) The author is not talking about scheduling sex. She’s talking about creating an erotic space, and that takes time. What will occur in that space is open-ended, but the space itself is marked by intentionality.
(p. 466) [It is necessary to keep seducing our partner after the initial conquest.]

What of it?

It works!

My review

This is a review I’ve been putting off writing for a while, probably because writing about sex publicly still feels unusual to me. Still, my burning desire to inform pushes me to review this book just like any other I have read previously and not consider it differently. Sex education is a thing, and, if anything, the rising rates of divorce are evidence that there is something to learn to make partnerships work better.

I set out to read this book because I have recently celebrated ten years of partnership with whom I believe to be the woman of my life. Despite this, there are things I need to get better at. In the case of this book, seeing situations from the perspectives of different yet similar couples felt eye opening. I would be surprised if a couple wouldn’t benefit from one of the people in it to give a lot at the content in this book.

To be honest, though, writing this review is tiring, and I don’t even feel like hiding it. I just want to get this one done so I can move to number 108. So, if you like the quotes you see here, feel free to read my handwritten notes for more context. And if you’re still intrigued, I’m pleased to recommend you this book.

Félix rating:
👍

⭐ Star Quotes

Introduction

(p. 14) To generate excitement, anticipation, and lust, think about ways you might introduce risk to safety, mystery to the familiar, and novelty to the enduring.
(p. 25) Excitement is interwoven with uncertainty, and with our willingness to embrace the unknown rather than shield ourselves from it.

Chapter 1: From Adventure to Captivity

(p. 49) Introducing uncertainty sometimes requires nothing more than letting go of the illusion of certitude. In this shift of perception, we recognize the inherent mystery of our partner.
(p. 49) If we are to maintain desire with one person over time we must be able to bring a sense of unknown into a familiar space.
(p. 53) We never known our partner as well as we think we do. Even in the dullest marriages, predictability is a mirage.

Chapter 2: More Intimacy, Less Sex

(p. 75) Ironically, what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. Increased emotional intimacy is often accompanied by decreased sexual desire.
(p. 78) Separateness is a precondition for connection. This is the essential paradox of intimacy.
(p. 80) We want closeness, but not so much that we feel trapped by it.
(p. 88) It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.
(p. 93) ⭐ In order to bring lust home, we need to re-create the distance that we worked so hard to bridge. Erotic intelligence is about creating distance, then bringing that space to life.
(p. 97) Unconditional love does not drive unconditional want. That’s what we have with friends.
(p. 101) Being close doesn’t mean never fighting.
(p. 103) There is a need to develop a personal intimacy with one’s own self as a counterbalance to the couple.
(p. 103) Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.

Chapter 3: The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy

(p. 105) It’s not hard to be right, but then you are right and alone.
(p. 118) WE can be very close without much talk. Some long-term couples don’t speak the same language!
(p. 121) Transparency can often spell the end of curiosity. Where there is nothing left to hide, there is nothing left to seek.

Chapter 4: Democracy Versus Hot Sex

(p. 151) Only the free can choose to make believe. Being able to play with roles goes some way toward indicating that you’re no longer controller by them.

Chapter 5: Can Do!

(p. 178) The beauty and flow of a sexual encounter unfurl in a safe, non-competitive, and non-result-oriented atmosphere. Sensuality simply doesn’t lend itself to the rigors of scorekeeping.
(p. 179) We are a nation that prides itself on efficiency. But eroticism is inefficient. It loves to squander time and resources.
(p. 203) Contrary to popular belief, taking action is not always the best course. Don’t act instantly on your panic to rid your anxiety.
(p. 204) Frank Jude Boccio: “We bitch about our difficulties along the rough surface of our path, we curse every sharp stone underneath, until at some point in our maturation, we finally look down to see that are diamonds.

Chapter 6: Sex Is Dirty; Save It For Someone You Love

Chapter 7: Erotic Blueprints — Tell Me How You Were Loved, and I’ll Tell You How You Make Love

(p. 249) The experiences that caused us the most pain in childhood sometimes become the greatest sources of pleasure and excitement later on.
(p. 251) [Be liked for who you are, not only for what you give.]
(p. 272) It takes two people to create a pattern, but only one to change it.

Chapter 8: Parenthood

(p. 304) ⭐ Expecting our partner to be in the mood just because we are is a setup for disappointment.
(p. 306) ⭐ “She needs [him] to take the lead, but [he] can’t just buy her a ticket; [he] has to get her interested in the trip.”
(p. 311) We tend to do for others what we would like them to do for us, but it isn’t necessarily what they might want.
(p. 314) “Want to?” “Convince me.”

Chapter 9: Of Flesh and Fantasy — In the Sanctuary of the Erotic Mind We Find a Direct Route to Pleasure

Chapter 10: The Shadow of the Third — Rethinking Fidelity

(p. 423) ⭐ When we can tell the truth safely, we are less inclined to keep secrets.
(p. 423) We do not own our partners. We should not take them for granted.
(p. 423) When we establish psychological distance, we, too, can peek at our partner with the admiring eyes of a stranger, noticing once again what habit has prevented us from seeing.
(p. 423) Maturity is not passionless love, but love that knows of other passions not chosen.
(p. 433) Monogamy is not a given but a choice. It is a negotiated decision.

Chapter 11: Putting the X Back in Sex — Bringing the Erotic Home

(p. 456) Adam Phillips (Monogamy): “If it is the forbidden that is exciting—if desire is fundamentally transgressive—then the monogamous are like the very rich. They have to find their poverty. They have to starve themselves enough. They have to work, if only to keep what is always too available sufficiently illicit to be interesting.”
(p. 461) The idea that sex must be spontaneous keeps us one step removed from having to will sex, to own our desire, and to express it with intent. It’s ironic that in such a willful society, willfully conjuring up sex seems obvious and crass.
(p. 462) ⭐ “I couldn’t resist” has to become “I don’t want to resist.”
(p. 463) The idea of planning is a hurdle many couples need to cross. They associate planning with scheduling, scheduling with work, and work with obligation. Often, therapy is a process of dismantling those beliefs.
(p. 472) ⭐ ⭐ See seduction as an end in itself.
(p. 474) Erotic intensity waxes and wanes. Desire suffers periodic eclipses and intermittent disappearances. But given sufficient attention, the frisson can be brought back.
(p. 475) Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best.
(p. 476) Complaining of sexual boredom is easy and conventional. Nurturing eroticism in the home is an act of open defiance.

(Read 107) Mating in Captivity