Author: George Kouri

Release year: 2014

Publisher: Milner & Associates Inc.

Link to my handwritten notes

Buy this book

My review

George Kouri, a Montreal-based business coach, poured 36 years of professional experience and 15 years of dedicated writing into his book, “Gimme a Hug.” That commitment to mastering his craft truly shines through in the final work.

In my reading experience, books often fall into two categories: those exploring many ideas superficially, and those delving deeply into a single, powerful concept. Having recently read “The Potentiator,” which struck me as an example of the first type, “Gimme a Hug” was a refreshing change, firmly belonging to the second.

The book revolves around a deceptively simple yet profound core idea: human behaviour, especially in groups, can be largely understood through the lens of recognition and rejection. Kouri argues that individuals who feel recognized for their work, efforts, and accomplishments are motivated to excel further. Conversely, those who experience rejection, regardless of the reason, often feel inhibited, leading to demotivation, negativity, and potentially destructive behaviour. These two forces, recognition and rejection, provide a powerful framework for understanding dynamics in today’s businesses, families, and communities.

The title, “Gimme a Hug,” metaphorically captures the essence of recognition. While not advocating for literal physical hugs in every situation (which would be impractical and potentially inappropriate), Kouri emphasizes the fundamental human need to belong and be acknowledged within a group. Fulfilling this need, he suggests, is what allows individuals to truly thrive and “grow wings.”

Much of the book elaborates on the nuances of this core concept. For instance, Kouri expresses astonishment that in his extensive career, he never encountered an organization offering bonuses specifically tied to employee satisfaction. He posits that such an incentive would directly foster a positive mindset, leading to increased productivity and benefiting the company’s bottom line. It’s an intriguing idea I’d be keen to explore in my own workplace if the opportunity arose.

Kouri also shares his penchant for asking challenging (“dirty”) questions to provoke thought. One particularly impactful example he provides is:

(p. 85) “If people are your greatest asset, how come you tolerate employees being bullied, yelled at, screamed at, and being psychologically abused?”

One can only imagine the discomfort such a direct question might cause managers who claim to value their employees above all else.

Finally, Kouri introduces a fascinating concept he calls “hurt files.” He asks readers to recall a past painful memory:

(p. 110) “Close your eyes and get into your own thinking mode. Think of something that happened way back when, that really hurt you. Now, how long ago was the event that hurt you?”

Kouri explains that our minds store memories much like files on a hard drive. Painful experiences create “hurt files” – deeply ingrained memories of being hurt. These can be revisited intentionally or triggered unexpectedly by present events, often leading to disproportionately strong emotional reactions. While these files cannot be deleted, Kouri suggests their negative impact can be lessened by accumulating positive experiences (“positive files”). He powerfully connects this concept to bullying, highlighting how such actions create lasting hurt files, reinforcing why tolerating any form of bullying is so damaging.

Overall, “Gimme a Hug” exceeded my expectations. Its central idea is elegant, memorable, and remarkably adaptable to various contexts – work, family, or community. I found the insights both practical and thought-provoking. Highly recommended.

Félix rating:
👍👍

🔑 Key words

  • Recognition
  • Rejection
  • Coaching Moment

💡 New ideas

  • Expectations are a prerequisite for recognition.
  • Dirty questions make people curious.
  • A micro-manager is not a leader.
  • Many find their worth in their work.
  • Behavior is the only thing you can change in another person.
  • Listen more than you talk.
  • Bullies sap the bottom line to fill their ego’s pockets.
  • Every reality can be improved.
  • We all share roughly the same needs.

⭐ Star Quotes

Chapter 1: What’s This “Hug” Stuff All About?

Chapter 2: Recognition and Rejection

  • (p. 13) Low confidence results in low performance.
  • (p. 14) The major responsibility of every manager should be to support, encourage, and build the confidence of his/her people.
  • (p. 15) People all want to be recognized and appreciated; they do not like to be rejected or put-down. Understanding people is that simple.

Chapter 3: The Power of Recognition in the Workplace

  • (p. 29) A simple, personal expression such as, “Thanks for coming in this weekend, you did a great job on that report,” is far more powerful than any HR program you can think of.
  • (p. 35) In helping others, you are actually helping yourself.

Chapter 4: The Process of Recognition

  • (p. 38) Recognition is an ongoing process, not an event.
  • (p. 38) Instead of waiting for employees to trip up or screw up so you can tell them what not to do, always try to catch them doing something right and praise them for that.
  • (p. 39) Eight effective steps in the recognition process:
    1. What to do—Setting expectations
    2. Why do it—Providing context
    3. When to do it—Time is of the essence
    4. How to do it—Setting the parameters
    5. Follow up—Checking in
    6. Do it—Leave them alone
    7. Results achieved—Measuring up
    8. Recognition—Giving that “hug”
  • (p. 40) We need to know the expectations that others have for us in order to measure whether we’ve succeeded in our objective or not.
  • (p. 43) Micro-management merely serves to show a lack of confidence in the employee. It’s the ultimate hypocrisy in an organization that supposedly promotes empowerment.
  • (p. 44) It is essential that you give your employee the freedom to determine HOW to get the job done. There are countless ways of achieving the same objective.
  • (p. 45) “‘Do you mind if I ask you a dirty question?’ No one has ever said no to me. They’re anxious to know what the ‘dirty question’ is.”
  • (p. 45) Even before the person starts to work on the task, let them know they have the support and help of their manager, no matter how they go about getting the job done. That boosts the individual’s confidence and minimizes their fear of failure.
  • (p. 46) Micro-management hides the true potential of the employee and exposes the insecurity of the manager.
  • (p. 50) Success formula for managers:
    • Create a positive environment
    • Treat people with respect
  • (p. 51) Work, for many, is their primary source of esteem, confidence, and importance. Work validates their worth as a human being.

Chapter 5: Easy Ways to Give Others Recognition

  • (p. 57) Recognize the extra time and the extra effort, not just the “big win.”

Chapter 6: Stop Rejecting, Start Coaching

  • (p. 62) In the normal daily routines of a workplace, to hurt another human being has absolutely no useful purpose.

Chapter 7: How to Manage Mistakes

  • (p. 72) ⭐ Be tough on issues, not on people.
  • (p. 75) ✅ The more negative you are, and the louder you scream, the more insecure you are.
  • (p. 80) The #1 principle for coaching discussions is to get the person talking and to ask as many questions as needed to keep them talking. You should know what’s in their head rather than making assumptions about their behavior or the thoughts behind it: how much thinking they’ve done before, during, and after the situation happened.
  • (p. 82) In the process of fixing the issue, your employee will learn—and that is the ultimate objective.

Chapter 8: Zero Tolerance for Bullies

  • (p. 86) ✅ ⭐ If people are the greatest asset, the organizations need to ensure that their employees are being managed in a respectful manner. There should no place for bullies—zero tolerance.
  • (p. 89) Bullies aren’t born—they are created. They are created by not being appreciated, by being put down, and by being made to feel “small” throughout their childhood.
  • (p. 93) Call mistakes “coaching moments.”

Chapter 9: Establish a No-Bullies Policy

Chapter 10: The Human Files

  • (p. 114) Your desire to be appreciated by the people who hurt you [is never something you should be hopeful for.]
  • (p. 119) If you condone poor behavior, you get poor behavior.

Chapter 11: Simple Truths for Managing People

  • (p. 122) ⭐ “It is what it is” is a reality. But each reality comes with an opportunity—an opportunity to improve things, to make things better, to seek new learning, to try new things, to make the job much easier, and to derive a much greater sense of satisfaction from one’s work and one’s life.
  • (p. 124) Pay attention to the human needs that make us alike, and respect those elements that distinguish us from each other.
  • (p. 125) The real art of listening is being able to clarify and understand what the person really means and respond to that meaning, rather than responding to the exact words being spoken.
  • (p. 138) You can’t be a leader if you are a micro-manager.
  • (p. 140) Ownership can never be achieved if the boss is always fixing things.

Chapter 12: Manage How Others Perceive You

  • (p. 150) It never pays to be perceived negatively.
  • (p. 153) Don’t assume that time will heal mistakes or misdeeds.
  • (p. 158) “The people who get on in this world are those who get up and look for the circumstances they need. And if they can’t find them—they create them.” –George Bernard Shaw

Chapter 13: Finding the Balance Between Right and Wrong

  • (p. 161) ⭐ If you’re a manager and are wondering why your employees don’t come up with new, fresh ideas to improve the business, it’s probably because they are afraid of being wrong, of being rejected.
  • (p. 162) Attack the problem, never the person.
  • (p. 162) Wisdom is a middle zone between right and wrong.
  • (p. 163) Each mistake can lead us to greater success, if the mistake is viewed as an opportunity for learning, or to gain wisdom.

Chapter 14: The Perfectionist’s Prison

  • (p. 177) Be a selective perfectionist: not everything has to be at a 10.

Chapter 15: Be a Leader—Demonstrate Leadership

  • (p. 190) Leadership and strength of character are best demonstrated when times are tough, when circumstances are not as we hoped they would be, when challenges hit us in the gut, when that lump in the throat just won’t go away.
  • (p. 190) When things are great, even the weak look strong.

Chapter 16: Managing the Voice

Chapter 17: Boost Your Own Self-Confidence

  • (p. 201) Confidence is the fuel that drives every human initiative.

Chapter 18: Make “Why Not?” Your Strategic Focus

Chapter 19: What Would Your License Plate Say?

He was not afraid.

Chapter 20: My Best Friend, George